Friday 19 July 2013

What customers say vs. what they really mean

They say:  "I'm just here to browse!"
They mean:  "I'm not going to buy anything."

They say:  "Oooh, a 10p box!"
They mean:  "If I can buy something and get change from 50p, it doesn't matter if the book is unreadable."

They say:  "I do like a book with a good story."
They mean:  "I only read Maeve Binchy and Mills and Boon novels."

They say:  "Where are your true stories?"
They mean:  "I only read misery memoirs."

They say:  "Do you not have any non-fiction here?"
They mean:  "I'm surrounded by non-fiction but I have no idea how a bookshop works."

They say:  "Is this the price inside the cover?"
They mean:  "I don't like the price inside the cover."

They say:  "I've never read a book in me life!  Waste of time..."
They mean:  "I prefer to spend my time perusing The Daily Mail, and I watch Jeremy Kyle religiously."

They say:  "Can you knock me anything off the price?"
They mean:  "I'm so rich that I'll be paying with a £20 peeled off a huge roll of notes - but I'm also a tight bastard."

They say:  "Have you got one of those Daphne du Maurier books?  The Laurence Olivier one?"
They mean:  "The movie was showing on Yesterday last night."

They say:  "I was just wondering, do you buy books?"
They mean:  "I've never been in here before, and I never will again, but I've had boxes of books in the garage since 1976 and I'm too lazy to have a car boot sale."

They say:  "Do you give a 10% discount for paying cash?"
They mean:  "I last went shopping in 1943."

They say:  "They're too good to just give to a charity shop."
They mean:  "I have inflated ideas about my books and I'm going to be loudly and righteously horrified by the amount you offer me."

They say:  "They're in pristine condition!"
They mean:  "I have no idea what 'pristine' means but I heard it on Antiques Roadshow and I thought it might get me more money."

They say:  "Look but don't touch, darling!"
They mean:  "I'm just going to be round here ignoring my child while she picks up every single thing in the shop and tries to get into your stock cupboards."

Did I miss anything?