Thursday, 30 May 2013

The Depression Diaries: Aaaand CRASH

12:45pm: No.  Just... No.

Today's going to be a bad one.  Is already a bad one.  I've completely crashed after yesterday.  I didn't sleep that well.  I snapped at Mum in the car on the way to work, then she bought me beautiful flowers while she was at the Co-Op this morning and I felt terrible.  I snap at her, she buys me a bouquet with gerberas in it.  Nice going, Ellie.

Not only that, but the customers thus far today have been a special breed of hellish too.  In fact, one group with two revolting children literally had me tearing my hair out.  I had my hands clutching my head, my hair, elbows rooted firmly on the desk, trying desperately not to go down there and kill the little bastards.  I may have actually hissed the words, 'For fuck's sake!' at one point, possibly within earshot of one of the party, but I don't care.  The brats were twanging the coil doorstop over and over again, running round with the chairs, hitting each other with books, screaming, crying and generally being awful, while the adults cooed over them like they were the cleverest beings ever and said things like, "Awww, bless his little cotton socks!"  NO, LADY.

The kitten on the left's called Philip.  I'll try to think of him every time I feel burning rage towards people who might spend money if I don't kill their children.

So, in summary: Today Is Not Good.  I am angry and sad and antsy and tired and I have a colossal case of DO NOT WANT and I want to eat myself into a coma except I DON'T want to do that and I've just about done some admin stuff but I genuinely wonder if the next badly behaved child (or adult) will be the one to tip me over into 'Nope. Not happening today.'  *think of Philip, think of Philip, think of Philip, think of Philip...*

3:00pm: Customer Relations Fail

I've reached zero capacity for customer service this afternoon.  No, I lie... I can JUST ABOUT manage to semi-smile through a fast transaction with no questions or small talk.  But thirty seconds is your lot.  Our resident bore came in and Mum had to go out to the post office and LEFT ME WITH HIM and I just... couldn't.  It was painfully obvious that I had nothing to say, no vaguely positive facial expressions, no way of filling in the yawning gaps in conversation like I normally have to, and it still took him ten minutes to finally get up and leave.  Book-free, as usual.

I'm munching my way slowly through a Graze punnet - the one with whole hazelnuts, raspberry-infused cranberries (they really do taste of raspberries!) and white chocolate buttons - and keep getting gratefully distracted by how beautiful hazelnuts are.  The little squat round shape and the wood-grain pattern, they're cute.  Maybe I was a squirrel in a previous life.

Ohhhhh dear.  "There's a step here!  It doesn't tell you there's a step anywhere!  That's dangerous!"  THERE ARE TWO FUCKING MIND THE STEP SIGNS ON THE DOOR.  "Oh, I've got my wrong glasses on."  Well, that's a good reason to be an asshole about it then. 

Excuse me while I go smash my extremities against a hard surface.  *think of Philip, think of Philip, think of Philip...*

3:50pm: My Jack Sparrow Moment

Okay, so I just came out of the office and there were two kids messing about with all the pricier gift stock on the table halfway down the shop.  I walked towards them, to go back to the desk, and I was walking quite slowly because my new boots are still rubbing a bit, and the heels were cracking against the hard floor, and I was taller than they were, and I'm wearing long black boots and black jeggings and a jumper that's shaped a BIT like an old-fashioned men's shirt, and I probably look a bit dishevelled at this point, and I swear... those kids looked up and this look of vague fear crossed their faces and they backed right off and stopped messing about with everything.  I felt like a frickin' pirate.  That was fun.

9:00pm: Depression Is Confirmed

Mum told me on the way home that she wasn't going to bother speaking to me if I was just going to snap or grunt a reply, or NOT reply, because it "wasn't worth it".  I tried to point out that non-responsiveness and irritability are par for the course and that it doesn't mean she's offended me or that I'm being deliberately hostile or mean.  In fact, mentally I might have responded quite well, but it just never translates properly onto the outside.  Alienation of well-meaning individuals due to poor social interaction, you say, Allie Brosh?  CHECK.

In other news, I'm DEFINITELY depressed.  Sometimes inside my tired head I worry that I'm just being stupid, that I'm just lazy or selfish or silly or petulant or WHATEVER.  But people, there is one sure-fire way to diagnose yourself as officially depressed, and that's the When Something Goes Wrong Test.

This something can't be a major event that actually warrants an extreme reaction.  This something might be... dropping a glass and breaking it.  Spilling your coffee.  Forgetting some little errand that doesn't matter.  For me, it was not getting my prescription after work.  I'm running really low on a routine IBS medication I take before meals to keep my stomach calmer.  The surgery has had my prescription for over a week.  But when I got there today, intending to pick it up and fill it over the road at the local chemist, there WAS no prescription, just a note saying I needed a GP appointment before I could get my medication again.  No one rang me to tell me this earlier, and there were still two 'issues' left on each item on the prescription according to my last slip.

Where a regular person might have asked some stern questions about certain elements of this disappointment, sighed, made an appointment and moved on, my mind went dead in a vague mixture of panic, anger and despair.  I asked a couple of vaguely aggressive questions, got embarrassed, huffed a bit, sighed "shit..." into my own arm, stuttered that buying medication to tide me over for a few days would cost a fortune, and generally narrowly avoided sitting down in the middle of the foyer and sobbing.  I sat stricken in the car, growled "I could have done without a 9am appointment on my one FUCKING day off," nearly cried again (but didn't - still no crying happening in Crazy Town), then suddenly got very tired and sloped wearily inside to put my flowers in a vase.  I got all sad again because I couldn't seem to get the gerberas to sit quite right, plonked them in any old how and gave up.  Then I had a slow, miserable, exhausted shower.

And that, folks, is depression.  Little issue, HUGE reaction, followed by a crushing need to just go to bed.  Final note:  I gave up on the healthy dinner I had planned and I've had a choc chip muffin instead.  The same as I had for breakfast, only without the caffeine in my coffee.  Fuck it.  

Penny feels my junky needs. And hey, at least I put mine on a plate first.