Soooo, after all the headaches and the tiredness and the insomnia and the "Am I getting a cold?" munching of oranges and vitamins, it's starting to look more and more like it might have been a bipolar depressive episode sneaking up on me rather than some kind of vague viral thing as I'd originally concluded. It's early days, but all the signs and symptoms are there, so I'm going with that for the time being. And I'm going to tell you aaaaaaall about it, because hey, I'm not reading anyway, and sometimes people are curious about this stuff, and to be quite frank, I'd rather people got their insight from a normal person and not, say, Kerry Katona splashing herself all over some breakfast TV show. Just sayin'.
So, I don't want to jinx myself, but to my relief it's looking like it's going to be an out-and-out depression and not one of the 'mixed episodes' I used to get as a hormonal teenager. What happens with THOSE is that you get really depressed, only you're full of energy at the same time. So instead of curling up in bed and wanting to sleep for a month, your brain is flashing horrible things at you every second, one after another after another, and you're as jittery as if you'd had a million cups of coffee. You pace, you can't sit still, your mind races, you're barely coherent, and it's DANGEROUS, because you're agonisingly, nightmarishly miserable and angry at the same time. Not good when you're cooped up in a classroom all day with thirty other people, and you've got exams on the way and coursework to deal with. Shit happens.
ANYWAY. This time doesn't seem to be like that. In fact, so far there's very little negative thought at all, mostly because I haven't had much to feel negative about yet. There are stressors, definitely, and those stressors were possibly triggers in the first place, but right now I'm not dwelling on them, like, AT ALL. I don't have to feel guilty because I haven't done my English homework, y'know? I don't have to panic that I'm missing exam work and get into a spiral of despair and anxiety. So far I've done my shop orders, I've done my chores, I've kept on top of anything necessary. One thing at a time. But it is HARD.
Take last night, for example. I slept better, finally, after all the restless nights that preceded it. But this morning I did NOT want to get up. Eventually I did, and I had breakfast, but I got back onto the bed afterwards 'for five minutes' and almost fell asleep again. Coming to work, my head feels like my brain cells have been replaced with iron filings. Kinda heavy and mostly useless. It's like looking through fog and walking through mud. Everything takes a looooong time. Trying to read is like, "Ooooh, look at all the swimming words!" and writing means rambling and I messed up a Su Doku about sixty seconds in because I couldn't focus properly. You can see why school was such an issue. Smiling at customers feels painful, talking to customers feels more painful, and if they have noisy kids I just have to get out because it's immediate sensory overload. Like going to a building site with a hangover. Just... no. Peace and quiet reign supreme.
Soooo, yeah. Needless to say, there'll be very little reading going on until the words have STOPPED swimming. Just look at the figures in my 'Currently' box in the sidebar. I'm not even doing anything in the evening at the moment. Just eating a sandwich or two, maybe watching mindless telly for half an hour, and trying to wait until a semi-reasonable hour to get in bed. If you can't read, and you can't be bothered with a film, then what else is there to do after work but go to sleep?! Other than, y'know, listening to music and staring at the ceiling with your head on a pillow, which is basically the same thing.
The important thing to do is to just rest and keep choking down food and putting one foot in front of the other. And definitely DON'T think about the upcoming half term week. Because it's when I start getting stuff to do - orders and people with books and difficult customers - that Shit Will Get Real and tears will happen and I won't want to come to work because of the not being able to handle anything and I'll end up sitting in the office all week because hey, I've got to be at work one way or another. One Step At A Time is the key. One more hour. One more task. Wash up. Sweep. Go home. Wash hair. Make sandwich. One thing, then another thing, until it's all done and time to sit down. Who needs to read zombie books when you can turn into a real life jellybean-eating one?
Wow, this turned into a long post. Oh well. I might post occasional stuff anyway, reading or not, because I can write things like lists and fun stuff in little bits when I can, and it'll help while away a few more hours if I can snap my concentration together long enough. I'll see how I get on! Aaand now a bunch of people have suddenly arrived in the shop so I'm going to go pretend to read a newspaper or something so I don't get overwhelmed again. PEACE AND QUIET REIGN SUPREME. Read on, my darlings, and I'll kick up the reading journal again when I'm back on the same planet! :)